April 26, 2005

by Nancy Brito

April 26th 2005
It was a Tuesday
A Tuesday that will never be forgotten
That will forever be replayed in her mind.
A Tuesday that will forever change her life
And forever change her relationships with others
No matter how much she denies it.
A Tuesday that breaks her soul so subtlety
That she doesn’t know it until it’s too late to fix it.
April 26th 2005
Short shorts and a small shirt
13 years old
The need to be accepted is so great that she followed her friends to hang out and Have a good time instead of going to school.
April 26th 2005
They walk in a house that smelled of liquor and weed and see two men
Gio and Red
Those names that she will never forget.
She laughs and enjoys the attention
But inside she knows this is wrong
She wishes she went to school instead of here
Listening to these songs about sex and drugs
She watches herself change and she can’t help it
She has to play a role and she’s playing it well.
April 26th 2005
The need to be accepted was so great that she took her first shot of alcohol.
The taste of Bacardi Superior went down her throat and it burned
It burned so bad that she felt the next day and the day after
She still remembers how it feels even after drinking
Svedka, Grey Goose, Red Label, Captain Morgan and E&J
Those drinks that she had in college she can’t remember the taste
But that taste of the Bacardi Superior… never left her lips.
April 26th 2005
The need to be accepted was so great that she played spin the bottle.
She saw that bottle spin and with each turn, her stomach did too.
Gio looked up and licked his lips while looking at her.
The need to be accepted was so great that she smiled and laughed while she ached inside.
He took her to the room
The need to be accepted was so great that she kissed him and closed her eyes,
Telling herself this will all be over soon.
He laid her down this time and said it was ok
The need to be accepted was so great that she said ok too
But deep down inside, she knew she didn’t want to.
She wished she went to school instead but no…
The need to be accepted was so great that she was lying on this bed of a man that she didn’t know.
She said No sex.
He said ok.
And without a thought, took off those short shorts and that small shirt.
She lost her voice that day
That day that he didn’t listen.
Then the need to be accepted didn’t matter anymore
She prayed as he inserted himself into her that someone would walk in that door
But then time stopped
April 26th 2005 was the longest day of her life.
She couldn’t feel him inside her
But the grunts of pleasure that she heard confirmed
Only what she didn’t want to believe.
She turned to her left and she looked into a mirror
Stared for what seemed like forever
7 years later, she’s still staring in that mirror
And when he was done, she laid there lifelessly
As if he beat her but she wished he did
She wishes that he bound her
In rope and told her “Bitch don’t move or I’ll cut your throat.”
Because it would have been easier to have been bound by another man
Than to be bound by her own hands.
And since April 26th 2005, she is still bounded.
By her self hate and disgust
She looks in the mirror and sees that she isn’t good enough.
She sees what she saw on April 26th 2005
She’s still locked in that room in which he had his way with her
She can’t get out because she locked herself in there.
She’s been in there for so long, she doesn’t even realize she’s still in there
Gio, 19 years old living in a white house on northern Astoria Blvd
He has her self worth, which she didn’t even fight for.
And years down the road, she still gets queasy thinking about it.
She gave it up so fast and now all she has left are those seconds that last forever.
Those seconds that she remembers in that bed
Looking in the mirror and seeing nothing staring back at her.
On April 26, 2005.